Imagine being so sure of something, and yet so scared of failure, that the thing you are sure of never becomes reality. That is an affliction that many people suffer from, myself included. This Blog post will serve as a sounding board for me as I vent some frustrations into the ether. Perhaps by voicing all of the frustrations and fears I placed on myself, I will begin to crawl out from underneath the rock I have chosen to live under.
To be fair, I was not alone in creating the environment I live in. Everyone I have ever had a personal relationship with has somehow contributed, positively or negatively, to the world I find myself in currently. But I alone have chosen, either consciously or subconsciously, to remain here at my own peril. You see, I have know for quite some time that there are aspects of my life that need to be cleaned up. I am certain that anyone who honestly assesses their own life can find area in need of improvement, even if it is only a minor one. But for many people, the idea of honestly facing the truth that they are not everything they want to be is more paralizing than motivating. I include myself in that list. That is why I am here writing myself this sad admission instead of telling you all about the wonderful things I have learned as I have started exploring the enormous world of photography. My sincere hope is that by removing the stigma sharing weakness, I can begin to flourish into the mentor and teacher I have often dreamed of being.
I think, at least early on, part of the issue was that I could not define exactly what it is I wanted to do online. The best way I can think to describe it is potter with a lump of clay who knows he has something beautiful to create, but can not clear his vision enough to see what it is or how to start it. Of course, any good artist would not use such a trivial excuse to prevent them from doing what is in their heart, but then again I am not a great artist…at least not yet. But there in lies the problem. I have always been fixated on perfection. I don’t know where it came from, or how it started, but as long as I can remember I have been fascinated by the pursuit of making something perfect. The tragedy of course, is that almost nothing on this planet will ever be perfect. And so waiting for perfection will only ensure failure. Like most people I know, I don’t like to fail, so adding failure to the inability to be perfect has created a negative feedback loop that I have not been able to escape from.
In the grand scheme of things, I don’t feel like I am the second coming of anyone. I don’t believe my contribution to this planet will be any earth shattering achievement. That’s not to say that I can’t be a positive influence to some, and that may just be enough. After all, I am a father to two beautiful children, Adison and Ethan, and they deserve the best version of me. My wife also deserves to have a partner that is driven in such a way that I inspire her to be the best that she can be. It’s symbiotic really, but if any one part lacks, then all other parts will suffer. I do not claim to be a great man, hell, at times I’m not even a good man. But there is one thing I am sure of; each one of us has the ability within us to pull ourselves out of whatever fog we have found ourselves in, and start working towards a better tomorrow.
I know that the things I am sharing are not new to any of you. But like I said, this post is really for me. It will “suck”. It will not change the internet. But it is the start of something. Something I hope to grow into something that does not “suck”. Something that helps someone improve their own life in some way.
Whatever it is you are struggling with, you are not alone. And that is not cliche, that is truth. This world is far to diverse that.